If you had happened in on me today you might have seen a crazy thing. you might have seen a woman in pain. You might have seen a woman in pure delight. And you might have seen them both at the same time. How can that be? If you had happened in on me today you might have seen a woman in pain bent over. Her hands on the coffee table, swinging her hips to and fro. If you had happened in on me today you might have seen a woman writing on her feet. papers in the air, pen in hand. circling comma splices as she lunges to the left then the right and back back again.
I think you think because i'm in pain and because I write about pain and that I must live in pain. You are, strangely, sorely mistaken. I live in fight. I live in joy. But don't tell me this is magic. This is my grandmama telling me to always have a made up bed, This is my momma giving me one day a year to miss school for menstrual cramps. This is my daddy telling me he's gonna be a north american Negro male for Halloween because ain't nothing scarier. This is my momma and me both telling each other to get the fuck up and do your work.
This is not about strength.
If you had happened in on me today you might have seen me bent over with a grimace and a grin as I write bent over. You might have seen my ass in the air. Again. If you had happened in on me today you might have found me grotesque in my grey leggings and black t-shirt, no bra. You might have told me to brush my teeth. If you had happened in on me today you would have seen what it's like to be a woman who lives in chronic pain, what it's like to be a woman who creates from the pain. You might have seen something beautiful and hideous all at the same damn time. If you happened in on me today you might have heard me tell you to go back to bed. You might have seen me grimace.
You might have seen me giggle.
But you didn't see me today. No one does. But someday. someday someone's gonna look at me and fall in love. And I'll be ready. I may or not be barefoot. I may or may not have taken a shower. But the horns will be playing. And my pen is ready.
just some things usually on my mind....