I keep asking myself if it was a ruse. If I was in some parallel universe where only I knew he was my friend but he didn't.
I wish I knew what happened. I wish I knew why I can't even maintain a friendship with a man, let alone a relationship. More importantly, I wish I knew why my favorite go-to feeling is what I cannot do. Why I immediately conclude that it's some deficiency on my end that would cause a man who one time called me his "peoples" to cease all communication with me.
I talk a lot but I'm not good at storytelling. Nor do I think our story matters. We were best friends. Now we are not. And I am tremendously sad.
These are the things that defined our friendship, that made us smile when the other would walk in the room. These are the things worth recounting and retelling. To cherish. I had a friend and he had a friend and, for a good while, it was a really great thing:
That time in a meeting when you lifted you finger in the air and exclaimed "Huzzah!" ala Niles Crane from "Frasier" and everyone stared at you while I cracked up.
That time I was having a shit day and you came to my office and danced.
That time you were having a shit day and I left brownies outside your door.
That time I told you to shit or get off the pot and you objected asking why you only had one pot.
That time you told me, in all seriousness, that you didn't like Trader Joe's because they weren't friendly enough and I was like "why you mad at the grocer, man?"
That time you were jealous.
That time you turned the tables on me and told me to sit down and be still.
Your almost daily texts about the near-illegal status of my car.
That time you hollered at me across campus like we wuz folk because I got my hair done.
texting very single morning.
and every single night. about current events, family, and My Little Pony or Care Bears.
This text during every. single. meeting.
and after anything you'd say that I had no patience for.
That time I was jealous.
I'm rated R. You're PG-13.
That time we watched six episodes of "Empire" and determined I was Cookie.
All the times we were awkward around each other because, let's face it, we're both just incredibly awkward ridiculously attractive brilliant people.
That time you shoveled my car out of the snow and I wanted to touch ankles with you to show thanks.
Market Basket Chocolate Covered Coconut Almonds.
The times I'd call you my lobster.
That time I offered you a paper towel with your snack and you looked at me like I'd just called you a peasant.
That time you pointed out a dent in my car and I wailed in public.
These are the times I will hold onto and not that time I was in a crisis and couldn't find you and when I did you couldn't be bothered. Maybe that was the time we were in a parallel universe, the one where you were no longer my friend.
just some things usually on my mind....